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Michael Fassbender by Cracked.com | Michael Fassbender Online


Welcome to Michael Fassbender Online - The Premier Online Source For The Award-Winning Actor Michael Fassbender

Michael Fassbender by Cracked.com

Michael Fassbender is a German-born Irish actor who’s probably most famous (at the minute) for playing Lieutenant Archie Hicox in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds. That’s all about to change though…

Oh yes, he was in 300 too.

Just in case you couldn’t place his Basterds role.

That one is purely for aesthetic reasons.
Just The Facts

1. Though he’s an Irish actor in his 30s, don’t compare him to Colin Farrell. Farrell is known for drinking and womanising. Fassbender is known for being a brilliant actor.
2. He seems to be appearing in literally every film released this year. Watch the X-Men: First Class trailer and then see if you can find any reason to dislike this.
3. He once put on a play of Reservoir Dogs in his hometown, obviously without getting prior permission from Tarantino. Maybe that’s why he was killed off so viciously in Basterds.


This was a Sky One fantasy series from 2005. Set in a British boarding school, it centres around Cassie, a schoolgirl who discovers she has magical powers and that a fallen angel called Azazeal (played by Fassbender) is trying to get her pregnant, because their son will be the Anti-Christ who will bring around the end of the world. Or something. It’s as ridiculously cheesy as it sounds, yet is strangely compelling. Also features an ass-kicking theme tune by Garbage.


Ah, the film that would only be half an hour long if director Zack Snyder wasn’t so fond of slo-mo. Also the film hated by feminists, despite the fact that it contains a number of rather strapping young men running around almost naked with swords. Fassbender plays Stelios, who gets the single coolest line in the film.

Random Persian Messenger: “Our arrows will blot out the sun!”

Stelios: “Then we shall fight in the shade.”

Someone just got burned.


Also known as the film where Fassbender does a Christian Bale, starving himself to a ridiculous skinny level in the name of art.

It’s one of those incredibly worthy biographical, historical dramas that is full of brilliant performances and that doesn’t flinch away from accurately portraying the horrors of the period and the agonies these men went through in their bid to be recognised as political prisoners rather than terrorists. It’s just a pity then, that the film is so boring despite the subject matter. And despite the fact that it has more cock on display than your average porno.

Eden Lake

Not something you want to watch on an empty stomach, Eden Lake is a film you endure, not enjoy. You will never want to go on holidays to rural England again, after watching Fassbender and Kelly McDonald getting horrifically tortured by a gang of hoodies after Fassbender accidentally kills their dog. If however, you like your torture porn/horror films, I highly recommend it.

And that’s just the beginning…

Fish Tank

Here he plays an Irish scallywag who goes out with one woman, shags her fifteen year old daughter, and then dumps her, all while being married and babied with some other woman. Tut tut. That kind of behaviour gives men a bad name… The rest of the film is just as depressing, with the fifteen year old having her dream of being a dancer crushed before she runs off to Cardiff with some travellers. And all the while her mother cannot give less of a f&#!.

Inglourious Basterds

Probably his most famous role to date. Fassbender dons a convincing English accent and goes to France to help Brad Pitt’s Basterds with their plan to blow up Hitler’s high command. Spends the rest of his time in the film speaking German with an Irish accent and then getting shot to pieces for not signalling “3” like a proper German. At least the Scotch was apparently worth it.

Like all true Irishmen, he is willing to lay down his life for some damn good alcohol.

Jonah Hex

This film was terrible. That is all.

Jane Eyre

I will be first in line to see this when it comes out in Ireland in September. He plays Mr Rochester, people. Mr Edward Rochester, i.e. the only literary Edward that is worth getting your knickers in a twist over.

You know it to be true, you sparkly c***.

X-Men: First Class

If you haven’t seen the trailer for this, here, let me enrich your life: www.youtube.com/watch

Fassbender’s Magneto looks like he’s going to be the most badass thing to ever hit a cinema screen, rocking a turtleneck like nobody else on the planet and using his mutant powers to stupendous effect. If he doesn’t end up totally stealing the film from the rest of them, well, may I live a thousand years, and never hunt again.
James Bond

Don’t you dare try and tell me he wouldn’t be perfect for the role when Craig hangs up his Martini glass. Don’t you dare.

The man IS Bond (James Bond).

Source | Cracked.com

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